Errata Non Grata
Today, I goofed. Not in a funny goofy way, but in a way that could have really ended poorly for me, lesson learned. I won't go into the details as they will make readers think I'm basically either an old demented lady with cats or a completely naive child with no hair under her nose. So, no details.
In essence, I stumbled again and it was due in part to my complete lack of cynicism which is strange because I grew up being cynical and un-trusting. Throughout adulthood though, my cynicism has completely abandoned me and I'm left reflecting as to why I'm so blatantly trusting of people I have no reason to trust. Starting with friendships, I've been deceived - easily - to believe that someone is my friend based on personality and trust, etc, but later to find that I have no idea why they ever wanted to be my friend because I can't imagine what amount of personal external gain they would get out of being friends with me. Then there's living in NYC and basically trusting everyone I met, from the random white van that assisted me and my brand-new roommate to moving my furniture, to making casual sidewalk conversation in the rain with a complete stranger on a dark night from the gym in West Harlem, to giving my address to people I've just met. For some reason my sense of judgement in others is impaired and I'm completely beyond trusting.
My radar for sussing out safe parties vs. potentially toxic is very poor. I would say that my radar is actually broken. I am lucky that I have RMc to keep me from endangering myself, but even with his constant reminders of being safe, I seem to reject the cocoon and fling myself into risky situations. I think part of my willingness to lack cynicism towards others is couched in the idea that I just flat out don't want to be a cynic. I want that terrible family member that everyone despises to come to dinner - I want them to feel included. I want to help out that 20 year old kid stuck at a gas station in North Bend b/c he lost his wallet and give him gas money to get out of this crappy situation. I want to carve out a space in the world that is free of distrust and to build a community where we don't have to check crimestoppers.com each time we move to a new place. But, just as importantly, I don't want to be physically attacked, have my personal space invaded upon, or to feel unsafe walking my street at night. My defenses are down, and slowly I'll build them up, but this will take time as my natural tendencies will need to be repeatedly modified for real growth to occur.
In essence, I stumbled again and it was due in part to my complete lack of cynicism which is strange because I grew up being cynical and un-trusting. Throughout adulthood though, my cynicism has completely abandoned me and I'm left reflecting as to why I'm so blatantly trusting of people I have no reason to trust. Starting with friendships, I've been deceived - easily - to believe that someone is my friend based on personality and trust, etc, but later to find that I have no idea why they ever wanted to be my friend because I can't imagine what amount of personal external gain they would get out of being friends with me. Then there's living in NYC and basically trusting everyone I met, from the random white van that assisted me and my brand-new roommate to moving my furniture, to making casual sidewalk conversation in the rain with a complete stranger on a dark night from the gym in West Harlem, to giving my address to people I've just met. For some reason my sense of judgement in others is impaired and I'm completely beyond trusting.
My radar for sussing out safe parties vs. potentially toxic is very poor. I would say that my radar is actually broken. I am lucky that I have RMc to keep me from endangering myself, but even with his constant reminders of being safe, I seem to reject the cocoon and fling myself into risky situations. I think part of my willingness to lack cynicism towards others is couched in the idea that I just flat out don't want to be a cynic. I want that terrible family member that everyone despises to come to dinner - I want them to feel included. I want to help out that 20 year old kid stuck at a gas station in North Bend b/c he lost his wallet and give him gas money to get out of this crappy situation. I want to carve out a space in the world that is free of distrust and to build a community where we don't have to check crimestoppers.com each time we move to a new place. But, just as importantly, I don't want to be physically attacked, have my personal space invaded upon, or to feel unsafe walking my street at night. My defenses are down, and slowly I'll build them up, but this will take time as my natural tendencies will need to be repeatedly modified for real growth to occur.
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